Some days I need the
Super Nanny. I’d even brave being humiliated and reduced to tears on
international television for the sake of getting control back.
I admit to watching it
in my smug childless status prior and scoffing at the parents letting their brats
walk all over them. How could an adult be scared of a child? I used to wonder
with scorn.
Well now I know.
Sometimes I am reduced
to one of those pitiful parents practically pleading with their child.
I think a lot of our
problems stem from the dynamics of three. When there’s one, they’re an angel.
Two, they get on fine, but add a third to the mix and it just doesn’t work. Not
in our household anyway.
I have new empathy for
my mother. I wrack my brains to remember if my brothers and I fought as much as
my three. She says we did. Empathy aside, that makes me feel a little better -
more normal somehow.
It’s their mood swings
too. They have the ability to make an enjoyable moment turn into a disaster in
a split second.
Take this morning for
instance: 6am. All is silent in the Fraser abode. Until a light comes on and
pitter, patter, pitter patter, a small shadowy figure pads up to my bedside.
“Morning mummy,” a sweet voice says.
“Good morning Cadeyn,”
I open up the blankets for him to snuggle in. “Mummy,” he says softly. “I had a
dream …
He is stopped at the
sound of his siblings waking loudly down the hall.
“Cade, would you
please go and get your brother and sister up?” I lazily ask. There’s got to be
some pros to his being five and able to after all.
“Sure.” He leaps out
of bed and I hear him greeting his brother and sister warmly. My heart melts.
Into bed they all
tumble until Jai, seeing an opportunity to milk his brother’s kind mood, asks
if he can play trains in Cade’s room.
“Sure baby,” Cade
affectionately says and off they troop.
It’s here that all
hell breaks lose and our day is ruined.
A door is slammed and
Master five, who had no intention of letting his brother play with his trains,
is heard laughing from the other side.
Jai, and Jayla, who
has optimistically followed, are left protesting in the now pitch-black hall,
much to their brother’s amusement.
“Cade, get in the
naughty corner,” yells his dad.
“It’s not the naughty
corner – it’s the thinking spot!” Cade corrects. He has previously informed us
that at school, you are allowed to come out once you have thought about your
behaviour.
“I don’t care – get in
there!”
That’s killed his good
mood and sets the tone for the rest of the day. Come 3pm I’m standing one floor
below listening to all three yelling “Mummy” asynchronous sounding
like a symphony orchestra gone wrong. For a while I tried morphing it into music
and began swaying to it and it was at that point I decided I needed the Super
Nanny.
# Diane Levy,
perhaps New Zealand
“We find
ourselves as counsel for the prosecution, counsel for the defense, judge and
jury. Each child hopes we will be the executioner – of the other sibling, of
course. And not many of us set out to have a home-career in law!”
However, it is best to intervene because we are responsible
for having a home that is a pleasant oasis rather than a war zone. .
“When you see
inappropriate behaviour happening in front of you, stop it. It doesn’t matter who started it. Don’t even try to find out.”
She advises to avoid
questions like “How would you like it if someone smacked/pinched/bit you?” as chances
are your child has little interest in compassion right now. It’s also not worth
pointing out how much they have upset their sibling, as that may well have been
their intention.
Many
disagreements between children close in age are about sharing and Diane
recommends developing a system. “Systems not only save a lot of squabbles, they
also teach your children to develop their own systems of fairness.” Timers are
great for making length of turns fair.
“Undoubtedly, the dynamics of managing two
siblings is often much simpler than three. Often, when there are three
siblings, two form a natural alliance and one is frequently on the “outer”.
“We need to expect and demand inclusion
rather than exclusion – so it is perfectly reasonable to expect children to
include others in their play. However, be aware of things beginning to
“hot up” and get in and intervene by changing the activity or the grouping
before things degenerate.
“We have all
heard a situation hotting up in another room and crept away, pretending that we
haven’t heard and hoped like crazy it would all go away. Then we hear the scream or the crash.
“If you wish to teach your children that you don’t
condone fighting in your household, you need to get in early, just when you
begin to hear the temperature rising.
“Get in fast and break it up. “Afternoon tea time”
is a sure winner. Asking for a task to be done is less popular but works just
as well. Or you may choose simply to
walk in, say “This isn’t working”, and split the children into two separate
rooms for about ten minutes.”
Using this
approach consistently means that each time they fight, your children will learn
one of two things:
- They will learn not to fight, or;
- They will learn to fight very quietly.
More information can be found in Diane’s
book “They look so lovely when they are
asleep”.
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