Guilt Trips

Many of us mothers are riddled with guilt from the moment our firstborns arrive.

BC (Before children) I had visions of my much plumper self frolicking with my children by day then drawing them close to my ample bosom as I lullabyed them to sleep at night. But I must be more selfish than I realised for things didn’t turn out that way.

As soon as baby number one made his appearance I was overwhelmed with a sense of how much there was to do and how little time there was to do it. My guilt trip comes because I’m not talking baby stuff here.

While I was nesting in the five weeks between stopping work and giving birth, I set the housework standards so high I became obsessed with having everything in the house just so. You’d think that when the baby arrived everything else would take a back seat but no.

Sleep while the baby’s sleeping? Pwah! There’s far too much to do.

My eternal “to-do” list and dislike of procrastination lead me to keep going - Energizer Bunny-style - on as little as two-hour’s sleep and not drop into bed until that day’s list was complete.

I’ll never forget visiting The Baby Factory with my two-week-old and leaving him in his car capsule on the counter while I ducked back out to the car to grab my purse. When I returned, the ladies, who’d been cooing over him, commented that I must take great delight in looking at him all day the way they just had. 

“Oh no, there’s no time for that. I’ve far too much to do,” I replied.

Their silence spoke volumes and as I left the shop I heard my words through their ears.

What? She’s got this gorgeous baby and doesn’t even take the time to enjoy him?

I decided to do just that from then on but old habits die hard and comments of “The housework can wait” fell on deaf ears. “It can’t wait,” I’d retort. “If I leave it, it will just build up until I have a mammouth job in front of me!”

With my next born, I vowed to get over my fetish and become more slovenly.

But then I wasn’t banking on having twins. Along came two and suddenly I had three children to tend to. Any hopes of sitting, gazing into my baby’s eyes all day long were dashed as I found myself thrown into a never-ending whirlwind of feeding, burping, nappy changing and looking after a toddler while under the foggy haze of severe sleep-deprivation.

Such is my guilt I’ve toyed with the idea of having another just to carry out my dream but then I know with three kids tearing around, plus a baby, it would be just that – a dream.

So I’m guilty of not being “there” enough for my kids. I need to drop the trivial stuff, switch off the computer, “be present”, frolic and enjoy them because one day I’ll come up for air and realise they’ve flown the suddenly not-so-messy nest.

I never do get to the end of my “to-do” list and probably never will. With three (ahem make that four) against one in the cleanliness stakes, it’s like being on a treadmill. But if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em right? Therefore, top of my New Year’s resolution list will be: “Live for the moment and become a sloth!” Good luck to me.