Runaway

The bedlam hour (dinner-lunches-homework-bathing) is not an ideal time to run away from home.

Master Eight made a half-hearted attempt at this most inconvenient time of day.

A small growling for annoying his brother had not gone down well and, unaware, I got distracted with making dinner.

I was alerted to the sulks when I glanced out the kitchen window and was met by the sight of a sullen figure sitting right in my line of vision, head down but glancing up every now and then to check I had seen him.
I didn’t have time for this carry on so, in a bid at cheering him up, stuck my tongue out. After trying unsuccessfully to hide a smile, he got up and stomped off up the drive.

Minutes later, he must’ve decided it was going to be cold out there on the streets so returned inside to grab a sweat shirt. 

I locked the door behind him and tried to get down to the bottom of the matter while the mince sizzled on the stove behind me and the twins called out homework queries. However, he wasn’t having a bar of talking it through and kept shrugging me off so I took the stance of, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

“Well if you’re going to be sleeping on the streets, you’ll need a sleeping bag,” I told him. “It’s pretty cold out there.

“And you also need a knap sack – you just tie a hanky to a stick and throw it over your shoulder,” I added for good measure. He might as well look the part.

“No, I don’t care. I’m going,” he replied and tried to get out the locked door.

I didn’t have time to pin him down without the neglected dinner burning the house down so I asked his sister to bring me the phone.

“Yes, Constable Ian,” I said, using the familiar name of the policeman who has been visiting their school. “My son is about to run away from home. He is wearing a green hoodie so can you please look out for him and pick him up.”

“Mummy, this is hurting my tummy,” wailed my sensitive Miss Five, clutching her stomach and looking panicked.

“It’s ok,” I reassured her. “Mummy’s just tricking.” (Clearly that trick will not work on her if she ever tries running away from home.)

But Master Eight didn’t hear that. Giving up on running away, he’d returned to his spot outside the kitchen window where he went on sulking.

It just so happened it was “Taco Tuesday” – named by Master Eight and his favourite meal of the week – and both his siblings made sure he knew it.

“Mmm yummy tacos!” exclaimed Miss Five, loud enough to reach her brother’s ears.

We sat up at the table and began our usual talking about our day while Master Eight slunk back inside.

“I’m hungry,” he said, eyeing up our laden plates.

“Well you’re welcome to join us but you have some apologising to do first.”

He readily apologised and took up his usual spot at the table and was soon tucking into his beloved tacos and telling us about his day. We left off the last hour’s happenings.

It turns out this running away from home palaver isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Celebrity Goss Fix

Since when did Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon split up?

Getting my weekly dose of celebrity goss used to be a high priority BC (before children). In fact, if I’m honest, it was still a sneaky indulgence after children, it would just be by way of having a quick flick through the magazines whilst waiting in the checkout queue. ET (Entertainment Tonight) would also bring me up to speed on the goings-on in Hollywood while multi-tasking.

Although I’d take a lot of the content with a grain of salt and put some of it down as gobble-de-gook, it was a habit I just couldn’t give up. We all have our thing.

While others pride themselves on general knowledge at such events as quiz nights, I would unashamedly be the one with the answers on anything celebrity.

But when I re-entered the work force earlier this year, that all came to an end.

I only had withdrawals for several weeks before realising that I could still survive without knowing who had hooked up with who and how any kids Brangelina now had.

But last weekend I was most disgruntled to discover just how much life had carried on since I’d dropped off the celeb knowledge radar.

I’d taken the kids up to the hospital to visit my nana and, as well as enjoying (careful) cuddles with their beloved great-grandma, the highlights were indulging in her stash of chocolate biscuits they’d been eyeing up as soon as they walked in, and the ride in the elevator.

On the way back down, we were joined by an elderly man and the elevator doors closed on the five of us.

After a moment’s silence Master Five turned to the man and loudly declared: “Gidday mate!”

The man looked down at Master Five: “Gidday mate!” he cheerily replied and the two stood grinning at each other for a while.

The rest of us quietly tittered in our respective corners which, of course, prompted Master Five, ever the show-off, to say it again.

And again, and again.

“That’s enough, you’re just being cheeky now,” I warned him.

“He’s not being cheeky, you’re just being friendly – aye mate?”

We exited the lift with our new buddy now chatting like old mates.

“Would you like some celebrity gossip?” he asked pro-offering the stack of magazines he was holding. “I bring them up to my wife and swap them over each day.”

Would I ever. My eyes lit up like an alcoholic at what he was offering. I knew I wouldn’t have time, but I would make the time.

They took me a good week to work my way through skim-reading – none of this reading every article word-for-word like the days of old. I’ve still got some on the go but so far I’ve learnt that: J-Lo and her toy-boy have split, the late Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence poor little cute orphan Tiger-Lily has grown into an 18-year-old with a boyfriend, Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr appear to have done a husband and wife swap and Geri Halliwell had some new man on her arm which must be such old news that it didn’t even rate a mention!

Imagine my shock when I discovered Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon had split when, last I read, the so-called happiest couple on earth were renewing their wedding vows.

This was all a bit much for some ‘light’ bed-time reading and was certainly doing the opposite of sending me to sleep.

So now that I’ve been brought up to speed with such ‘need-to-know’ knowledge, I’m faced with the dilemma of keeping up-to-date or letting it slide for another year.

Based on how disturbed I was by many of my discoveries, I think I’ll opt for ‘ignorance is bliss’.

Best I brush up on my general knowledge instead then.

Birds & the Bees - round three

There comes a time when we can no longer avoid the “where did I come from?” questions and realise a private little sit down talk is required.

Yes I’m talking about the Birds and the Bees.

It had reached the point where Master Eight was picking up on various “rude” words from a school friend who had been inducted (or corrupted) at an early age via his teenage siblings.

According to Master Eight, this friend had told him to Google the word “sex” and it was the tittering between him and his after school play date (another friend) that alerted me to the ipad where they were supposedly doing their homework.

The images on the screen were startling.

A subsequent ipad ban and word to the teacher ensued but I now realised I had some explaining to do.

The next night I sat him down and asked if he would like to know the real meaning and he said yes.

I’m sure you’ve all been inducted so I will spare the details. However, I finished by saying: “So you know when you were four and you asked me why those two flies were fighting? Well now you know.”

It went well and, apart from the horror to learn of his mode of exit, he seemed relieved more than anything. Perhaps I had left the talk too late – after-all today’s children are exposed to more than we were as kids.

It was quite timely rather, given the kids are currently undertaking a Keeping Ourselves Safe programme at school.

As well as learning all the proper body part names and what is right and wrong it’s put them on first-name terms with the local cop who conducts it.

We were walking home from school this week when a police car came along the road. Master Five started waving madly, drawing a lot of attention to himself.

“Settle down,” I told him.

But the police man raised his hand and waved back.

“That was Ian!” exclaimed Master Five, before turning and marching smugly down our drive.

# According to family therapist and parenting coach Diane Levy we shouldn’t rely on “The Chat” as with all knowledge children should be acquiring information in small digestible bits at a rate that matches their ability to understand and in a context that is happening naturally.

“It is a good idea if your children can have this information before they are five or six.  That way, you take charge of it before their friends can tell them. By the time they are old enough to identify reproduction with their own bodies (about seven or eight), they don’t feel betrayed because they feel that they have always known.”

Diane, who is a tv presenter, magazine panellist and author says to start early giving toddlers a vocabulary of body parts that will be familiar to them when the time comes to explain reproduction.

Sooner or later you may be asked, “How did I get into Mummy’s tummy?” That’s the easy question.  “You started as a tiny seed and you grew and grew and grew.” And then you may get the big question, “How did the seed get there?”  If you can manage it, just give the straight answer.”

Diane also recommends age-appropriate books.

“Most children are fascinated about how their body works. Expect your children to want these “stories” over and over again. As with all other books, they will need to hear them many, many times until they have integrated the information.”

More information on this topic can be found in Diane Levy’s book Of course I love you…NOW GO TO YOUR ROOM!