Broken hearts, broken voices and babies coming out your bottom.

If the sibling bickering between me and my brothers in adulthood is anything to go by, there’s no hope for my lot.

Admittedly these days, it is now reduced to a few cheeky jibes on Facebook. Long gone are the days when mum would, in response to my squeals, come running from the kitchen to stop my older brother from twisting my arm around – a trick of the oldest sibling trade back in the 80s (or is it still?).

But no matter what I got (and still get) dished out, I would not cry. Miss Five, however, although she can give as good as she gets, if the boys laugh at her, she turns on the water works in spades.

Her brothers know how to wind her up and, just the mere sound of their communal laughter, reduces her to tears.

We were walking along the road to the shops one day when I noticed the usual banter had typically escalated out of hand.

By the time I tuned in Master Eight was hassling her about being a girl.

“You have to push a baby out your bottom,” he informed.

She didn’t miss a beat:

“Well your voice gets broken when you turn into a man,” she retorted. “And you get a broken heart too,” she added for good measure.

“Is that right mum? Do boys get broken hearts when they turn into men?”

“Ah, well you usually get a broken heart when somebody dumps you,” was my lame on-the-spot reply.

“Ha-ha, you’re going to get dumped by your boyfriend and get a broken heart!” taunted Master Five to his sister deciding it was boys against girls and siding with his brother.

This didn’t go down well – her face crumpled and she stopped in her tracks and, you guessed it, turned on the tears right outside the supermarket on the main road.

Meanwhile the boys had carried on ahead laughing while I simultaneously dealt with Miss Five and tried to call them back to apologise.

I’m not sure which I prefer sorting out on the side of the road – an unreasonable tantrum-throwing toddler or counseling an ‘emo’ five-year-old with hurt feelings.

But what came out of that wee jaunt that day, thanks to her brothers, was Miss Five concluding that one, because she is a girl her voice will remain intact, two she is never going to have a boyfriend so will therefore not get dumped and, likewise, three, she is never going to have a baby so needn’t worry about pushing one out her bottom.

Problems solved.