Coffee

I’m one of those rare freaks of nature who doesn’t drink tea or coffee. But, last weekend, after only one hour’s sleep (which wasn’t even self-inflicted, unlike the weekend before) and faced with three energetic kids on my own all weekend, I decided to take up the practice.

Any visitor that comes to our house knows they’re not going to get a good brew – the world of flat whites, cappuccinos and chai lattes is foreign to me. Plus the standard coffee in the jar is so seldom used, it’s now ground solid. Therefore one can either take to stabbing it with a knife to loosen the granules or select from my array of proudly collected sachets (the contents of which are also foreign to me) but saved for this very reason.

While the kids had long been tearing the house up, I eventually prised myself out of bed and opted for a lucky dip of the latter.

Once I got past the pleasant enough frothy milk the real taste of coffee hit me. It was foul but, over the course of an hour and with a fair amount of gagging, I eventually downed it.

And then, suddenly, as if I’d been plugged into the mains, I was awake and fair bouncing off the walls. Okay, slight exaggeration there, I’d only had one hour’s sleep after-all. But with this surge of energy that enabled me to function like a normal human being, I was now beginning to feel like I’d seriously ripped myself off in life.

Had I handicapped myself by only running on three cyclinders all this time while everyone else was running on four or more?

And, in an epiphany, I realised maybe that was the reason why I didn’t pass School C maths! Suddenly I could blame all my failings on not drinking coffee.

Was it too late to sign up for the Beach to Basin? Perhaps I could beat my last year’s PB after-all.

Instead it generated a maelstrom of house cleaning frenzy – after-all the house had been rendered a bomb site by now.

But with any high comes a low and I came down with a thud. I guess this is where most people would have round two but, even if it was because I made the world’s worst cup, I concluded that my taste buds and coffee are just not in tune.

So it’s safe to say I will not be taking up that addiction. Besides, who needs School C maths? I’ve survived thus far counting on my fingers.